I Hate New Year’s Eve

December 31, 2011

By admitting this, I give legitimacy to every liberal stereotype of conservatives as prudish throwbacks stuck in the past, I know, but still: I’m not ready for a new year. I never am. I don’t understand the necessity and it dismays me that so many of you are so accepting of this unavoidable fact of reality.

I DON’T WANT 2011 TO GO!!!

Now, don’t get me wrong. 2011 was just awful in lots of ways. For example, I spent the first seven months of it out of work, running my savings down to nothing as I wondered whether my father would live another day.

So it’s not 2011 in particular that I’m anxious to hang onto. I’ll probably feel the same way one year from now even if the Republicans screw up 2012 big enough to allow Barack Obama an unjustifiable second term.

I just hate having to relinquish my favorite 1/3 of any given year for the beginning of the 2/3rds that do almost nothing for me. Halloween is almost 11 months away. The Summer heat won’t let up for another eight or nine months. Hell, Christmas, beloved Christmas is almost a year away now.

I’ll be grudgingly all right tomorrow, or in a week or two. But for now, I’m inconsolable.

Bin Laden Relocates!

May 1, 2011

Just a few months short of the tenth anniversary, Osama Bin Laden has finally been captured and killed, and I’m watching crowds celebrating in Times Square and outside the White House.

This is wonderful, wonderful news!

Of course, this being reality, the Left is already fretting on Twitter about how angry the bad Muslims are going to be when they see us celebrating.  Well, all I have to say to that is this:  do the Frug, bitches!  Allahu Ackbar!

Look, I know as a Catholic that I should probably pray for bin Laden’s soul tonight, but I can’t help thinking that this matter has probably already been settled.

Palin Derangement Syndrome Spreads To Netflix Customer Reviews

February 28, 2011

Scares the hell out of movie viewers.

Scares the hell out of liberals.

I was browsing Netflix recently trying to track down a copy of the 1970s conspiracy-thriller-disguised-as-a-killer-fish-film “Barracuda” (Shut up, you!  It was super kewl in the late 70s, especially with it’s freaky downbeat ending!).

I’d figured the film was pretty much gone for good and so was delighted to discover that it’s still available on one of those cheap compilation discs that sometimes pair up forgotten films under a kind of cheesy drive-in movie banner.

Here’s a sample from the text of the first customer review listed:

…You gotta love a flick that pretends to be about fish “gone bad” (ala Jaws) but is actually about a government experiment that has unintentional consequences for the local population and the local sea-life. The whole conspiracy concept is so laughable and the way it is portrayed will make you wonder if Sarah Palin helped write the script.. You know what I mean, “someone isn’t telling the whole truth” and so on hehe.


One scene shows a young lady who takes her shirt off and seduces one of the “visitors” and then cuts his “man-hood” off but we see no hide nor hair of her afterward or what happened to her. I can live with that though because the whole movie is so silly and plot holes are as prevalent as Sara Palin’s husband attempts to get that state trooper fired in Alaska. I meant that there are many plot holes in this flick. Just wanted to clarify that hehe. Recommended if you like double features that pretend they are 70’s flicks. 10/14

Get it?  The movie is so bad that it’s like SARAH PALIN WAS INVOLVED!!!1!

The next time you feel bad about yourself, just remember that there are people out there who are so consumed with hatred for Sarah Palin that they can’t even write a customer review for a cheesy 70s movie without telling the whole world how much they hate the former governor of Alaska.

She lives inside their heads rent free.

Ron Silver Was A True Patriot; Let’s Enjoy His Horrific Death Scene From Timecop

January 10, 2011

Now don’t be put off by the length.  I’ve cued the video up to the proper moment.  You don’t have to watch all nine minutes, my ADD-addled minions.

As for the video itself, I’m not entirely clear what’s happening to him, but it sort of looks like he’s being turned inside out and then into pudding.  Whatever it is, that’ll learn him.

Now if you didn’t enjoy that, then go ahead and watch a 67-year-old woman do a provocative dance.  You’re welcome.

Read the rest of this entry »

Oh, Just Go And Watch The Second Episode of Misfits

January 6, 2011

I’ve got way, way too much on my mind tonight, and this is a perfect diversion.  You’re welcome.

BREAKING: Exclusive Footage of Former Speaker Nancy Pelosi After Losing The Gavel

January 5, 2011

Hey, Look! It’s Been Ten Years Since The Left Said Not To Drill For Oil Because It Would Take Ten Years To Get To Market!

January 5, 2011

Doesn't Want You To Drill

Ten years ago gasoline prices spiked at the pump.  After several years in the $1.50/gallon range (even dipping as low as $0.97/gallon for a brief period of time in 1997), suddenly we were paying $2.00/gallon, then $2.10, then $2.20.

I was unemployed at the time and trying to get through a Summer training program for which I had budgeted my savings very carefully.  I remember getting increasingly anxious every time the price went up because I had not made provisions for a huge gasoline price increase, and the increases hurt.

Now, more sensible people at the time were encouraging the government to ease restrictions on domestic oil exploration, especially in ANWR, but the Democrats objected that we shouldn’t despoil the pristine wilderness.  And besides, they said with the short-sightedness for which they are known, it will take ten years for any new oil to make it to the market and have an impact on pump prices.

Now I’ve always thought that the ten years timeframe was primarily pulled out of their collective asses, because (a) it probably wouldn’t take ten years and (b) a substantive commitment to domestic oil exploration would have sent a message to the rest of the world that would most likely have had an impact on oil prices.

But even if the  Left had been right, it’s now been ten years.  Wouldn’t it be nice to have some of that oil making its way to the pumps right about now?

It could have been, too, if the Republicans had fought for it, but they didn’t, because they’re Republicans, and caving in to shrieking buffoons is what they do best.

So how about we start drilling now?


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.